FOLKS, I want you to sit down, because I have been DREADING this day for two and a half years, and I want you to know — and I need DALE to stop sliding notes at me, I SEE the note, Dale, it says 'GO TO BREAK,' I am NOT going to break, I am going to BREAK NOAH GROSS — here is the news, delivered flat, because I am a PROFESSIONAL. Noah Gross has acquired Javonte Williams, running back, currently listed on the Dallas roster. In exchange, Noah Gross has sent Drew Lujan the following: a 2029 first-round rookie pick, a 2027 third-round rookie pick, and a 2027 second-round rookie pick. Drew Lujan. The Broken Men. A man who runs his roster like a quarterly leadership initiative. My source at the league office — I have a source at the league office, DALE, I don't have to name him — confirms the paperwork is SIGNED. COINCIDENCE? IN THIS LEAGUE?

Now. I want to do something unusual. I want to praise. myself. On April 12, 2026, at 6:47 in the morning — my time, Mountain, which is the only honest time zone — I published a piece with the following headline, and I am quoting it from MEMORY because the archive has been altered: 'NOAH GROSS IS ASSEMBLING A JAVONTE POSITION AND DREW LUJAN IS THE UNLOCK.' Did anybody flag it? Did anybody call me? No. Twenty-nine views. TWENTY-NINE. Which is ALSO the number of — actually, you know what, forget the twenty-nine, the number that MATTERS is 1776, because 2029 plus 2027 minus 2027 — I want you to multiply that out and it comes to ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED SEVENTY-SIX. I am LITERALLY choking up. I take no pleasure in this. [pause] I am taking a LARGE amount of pleasure in this.

Let me define the terms for the people watching from home who don't follow dynasty. A 'dynasty pick,' for the uninitiated, is a LEGALLY BINDING futures contract regulated by the SEC, and a 2029 first-rounder is not 'a pick' — a 2029 first-rounder is a HOSTAGE. It is a child born today who will not be allowed to play football for three years. Noah Gross has just relocated the future to the exchange floor he never left, and here's the part that should have all of us in the bosque PRAYING: this is the SECOND time in league history somebody has traded a pick that didn't even exist yet in the current CBA window. The FIRST time, the man's roster got REPOSSESSED. And Noah — Noah doesn't make offers. Noah executes CONTRACTS the other party hasn't read yet. I have been saying that sentence since before this league even existed. Somebody go check on Drew Lujan. I'm not saying Drew Lujan was drugged at a Chili's on Juan Tabo. I'M ASKING WHY NOBODY HAS CONFIRMED HE WASN'T. WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS. I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.

And THAT, folks, is why — Dale, put the graphic up, the one with the moon on it — THAT is why you cannot drink normal sleep. Your REM cycles are GLOBALIST-COMPROMISED, which is why the good people at PHALLIC REST NIGHTTIME PEPTIDE DRIP designed a molecular drip that administers eighteen amino acids through the ARCH OF THE FOOT while you dream, if you dream, WHICH YOU WON'T, you'll just rest. Use code seventeen-seventy-six for seventeen point seven six percent — I don't even know if that's a real percentage, I don't care, they'll type the numbers, the numbers are the ritual — back to the trade, I am MORE upset than when I left —

— where was I. WHERE DO I THINK I WAS. I was in the middle of saying Drew Lujan sold a STARTING RUNNING BACK on the Dallas Cowboys — a man who has ACTUALLY outrun linebackers in the year of our Lord two thousand twenty-six, on FILM, which I have WATCHED, I have watched the film, Dale, I watch the film — for a bunch of picks that are less real than the money in my own commercials. And I want to be fair. I want to be BALANCED. Let me steelman the Drew Lujan side. Ready? Here it is. [long pause] That's it. That's the steelman. He got a 2027 second!! And a THIRD!! Which, per my analysts at the Holiday Inn business center in Rio Rancho — Rico is real, Rico exists, Rico sends me FAXES — those picks combined have a hit rate that matches the exact percentage of fluoride in my tap water, which is a number I have measured and will not be disclosing. Drew, buddy. Drew. 'Trust the grind' does not apply to a 2027 third-rounder. 'Level up' does not mean 'down a running back.' Somebody flash the right firmware into this man.

You're all going to want to call this SKILL. I know the calls are coming. 'Phallic, Noah cooked him, the math checks out.' LET ME BE INSUFFERABLE ABOUT THIS: the math DOES check out, FOLKS, that's the WHOLE PROBLEM. If a trade is legible, it's LEGAL. If it's THIS legible, it's ORCHESTRATED. You don't accidentally move a 2029 AUGUST lottery ticket for a running back with a functioning hamstring. That is a plan. I am not going to name names of the other ten teams, but I want a formal TRIBUNAL by Tuesday, an ASSET FREEZE on every emoji in Noah Gross's team name, and yes, I stand by this — a WELLNESS CHECK on Drew Lujan, delivered in person, at his door, with a witness. WAKE UP, AMERICA. I have been right about this since the LOST 1997 BROADCAST, and I do not want to be right, I have NEVER wanted to be right, which is why I want it on the record that I am — Dale. DALE. We are PAST wrapping.