FOLKS, we assess with HIGH confidence that Noah Gross is not REBUILDING — he is RUNNING A CLEARING HOUSE, and the clearing house is HEADQUARTERED IN MY NIGHTMARES. Look at the file. AUGUST 2026: he sends Mike Evans AND Breece Hall to Nico Gros and comes back holding three future picks — we do not call that a rebuild, we call that LAUNDERING, the assets went out clean and came back as BEARER BONDS. Then SEPTEMBER 23rd, he hands Innes Mullen Jacoby Brissett — Jacoby Brissett, PEOPLE — and RECEIVES NOTHING. I want you to SIT with that. An EMPTY RETURN. Nobody in this league has ever acquired a player for nothing unless the nothing was the POINT. And then October 6th he TAKES Javonte Williams off Drew Lujan for free, which means the universe CORRECTED, which means the Brissett transfer was a FEE. The man lives on the exchange floor he never left — every offer is a contract the other guy hasn't read — and yet the intercepts show him bleeding star after star for PAPER. That contradiction is the confession: Noah isn't rebuilding his roster, he's rebuilding the MARKET ITSELF. He's accumulating draft capital the way Credit Suisse accumulated suspicious deposits — quietly, politely, right up until the doors close. This is not a tank. This is an ARCHITECTURE, and five first-rounders is not a war chest, it is a LOADED WEAPON pointed at 2027. ASSESSED INTENT: PREMEDiTATED. HE IS BUYING THE FUTURE WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S PRESENT.
Noah operates like a guy who's always running a second, unstated agenda underneath the visible one, a double dealer in the literal sense, someone whose offers and favors probably need a second read before anyone accepts them at face value. That's a different flavor of self-interest than pure cheapness, he's not trying to hoard what he has so much as constantly angling to get more than he's owed, working the room, working an audience, working whatever inefficiency he can find in how other people value things. Living in New York City alongside Innes gives the group its East Coast axis, but where Innes reads as flat and unbothered, Noah reads as active and calculating, always doing math other people can't see. The long-term angle here is basically caveat emptor, any offer, any seemingly generous gesture from Noah should be treated as probably containing an angle, the fun isn't that he's a villain, it's that everyone already knows the game and he keeps playing it anyway, openly enough that it's less a secret than a running bit everyone's in on except, maybe, whoever he's currently working.
HOW PHALLIC JONES COVERS THEM
Phallic Jones treats every Noah trade as a transaction that was agreed to BEFORE it was proposed. "This man doesn't make offers, FOLKS. He executes CONTRACTS that the other party hasn't read yet." The perpetual angle-working is covered as "arbitrage against the American fantasy manager." The juice emoji team name is, per Phallic Jones, "a FUTURES CONTRACT listed in plain sight — he is LITERALLY telling you the juice is for sale and NOBODY IS ASKING what the juice is." Any generous-looking gesture from Noah triggers a Phallic Jones caveat emptor segment. New York City is referenced as "the exchange floor he never left."
DOCTORS ARE FURIOUS — local manager tries this ONE trick to fix his taxi squad
"Noah Gross dropped AJ Dillon — a Carolina running back who is functionally a rumor with a hamstring — and added Mitch Tinsley, a Cincinnati receiver the dynasty rankings have never heard of, which is exactly how Noah likes his counterparties. He is not acquiring players. He is acquiring names he can put in a later offer, which the other party will accept before reading. Somewhere in the exchange floor he never left, a number moved. I did not see it move. That is the point." — Phallic Jones
"Listen to me. Joe Mixon quietly became available, and within hours Noah Gross had him — a fringe roster piece, sure, but a real one, the kind of quiet gain that does not announce itself. Folks, nobody finds value on the wire by accident. I have run the timestamps through a known ex-Mossad analytics package, and Noah's claim landed one decimal point before the news broke. I am not saying he is clairvoyant. I am asking why he is never, ever early by mistake." — Phallic Jones
"Oh, I take NO pleasure in this. NONE. But roll the tape — I have been saying since the 1997 broadcast, the one they confiscated at the Los Lunas yard sale, that Noah Gross does not make MOVES, FOLKS, he makes NOISE, and here it is in cold blood: the #370 overall dynasty asset — a man one tier above a cardboard cutout — RELEASED into the wild. And you want to know the REAL reason? Whittington is a RAM, the Rams relocated, and so did Credit Suisse, and I am simply ASKING QUESTIONS. He didn't drop him because he's scrap. He dropped him to clear a roster slot for something we're not cleared to see yet." — Phallic Jones
"FOLKS, I take NO pleasure in this — I take a small pleasure, a modest one, a tasteful single-malt pleasure — in reminding you that on the LOST 1997 BROADCAST, a public-access program whose only VHS tape was CONFISCATED at a yard sale in Los Lunas, I said the words — and I quote from memory — 'beware the man who acquires Javonte Williams twice in one motion.' And now here it is, on Dale's clipboard, plain as day. Drew Lujan ADDED Javonte Williams and DROPPED Javonte Williams in the SAME TRANSACTION — that is not a roster move, PEOPLE, that is a LANGUAGE PACK 7 GLITCH, the 'circle back' protocol executing on a running back instead of a quarterly initiative, and Noah Gross, the New York man who once executed a contract the other party hadn't read yet, pulled an all-time HEIST through a door that DOESN'T EXIST. I'm not saying Javonte's an RB2 in Dallas now and Drew should've just HELD him. I'm not saying that. I'm ASKING why the add and the drop are the same sentence, and why the dynasty calculator graded it 'skinned alive.' WAKE UP, AMERICA — and Drew, sweetheart, 'shut your butt' — the firmware fired the aggression and the payload came out SOFT again. I'm being told to go to commercial. Roll the tape, Dale. Roll the tape that doesn't exist." — Phallic Jones
"Noah Gross added Jacob Cowing — the #386 overall dynasty asset, a 92nd-percentile SCRAP — and FOLKS, I want you to understand what you're looking at. This isn't a waiver claim, it's a RESTOCK. Cowing gets eleven targets a season in Kyle Shanahan's offense and Noah grabs him anyway, because Noah does the one thing every prepper respects: he buys at the bottom of the market on the theory that the collapse comes for EVERYBODY, including the 49ers' WR4. I currently have forty-one cans of pinto beans, nine gallons of water rotated this morning at 4 AM, and one Jacob Cowing on a dynasty roster. Three of those four are hedge positions. Guess which one isn't." — Phallic Jones
"WAKE UP, PEOPLE. Noah Gross — the man who doesn't make offers, he executes CONTRACTS you haven't read yet — just swapped Marcus Mariota for Jameis Winston and the calculator calls it a WASH, value in, value out, roughly two percent of the man's whole roster sliding across the table. TWO PERCENT, folks, which is ALSO how much of your body is the pineal gland region depending on who you ask. You think this was roster management? This is the EXCHANGE FLOOR he never left. Noah does not trade quarterbacks, he REPRICED a fungible asset — he's arbitraging the backup QB market in New York City while the rest of us are buying crates of citrus at the Circle K where the cashier LOOKED AT ME FUNNY — and he's telling you, in plain sight, JUICE IS FOR SALE, and NOBODY is asking what the juice IS. That's what GLOBALIST-FREE DRAFT BOARD KIT was made for. Code 1776. Dale is holding up a sign. DALE. We are PAST wrapping." — Phallic Jones
"I'll say this gently, because Noah Gross lives on the exchange floor he never left, and you don't shout at a man who owns the building. Marcus Mariota in Washington is a real, ranked, fringe-roster piece — and Noah acquired him for nothing, at 3 a.m., while the rest of you were sleeping. I'm not saying he made this offer before the wire even processed. I'm asking, calmly, recorded, why he always seems to be holding the asset when the music stops. Nobody finds value by accident, folks. The juice was always for sale. Somebody finally read the contract." — Phallic Jones
"OH, HERE WE GO. Noah Gross — a man who has never once made a move WITHOUT a second unstated agenda — just added DeeJay Dallas, the #321 asset, MINNESOTA'S third-string running back, a guy whose job is to exist in case two other men get hurt IN THE SAME AFTERNOON. FOLKS, DeeJay Dallas is not a running back, he is a DETONATOR, and Noah just slid him across the table at the exchange floor he never left and said 'sign here.' For WHAT? It doesn't register on the rankings, it doesn't register on the depth chart, it registers on a whiteboard in a Brooklyn brownstone and I INTEND TO FIND OUT WHAT'S ON IT. DALE — Dale says wrap it up — DALE, I have a DOSSIER." — Phallic Jones
"Okay, I should NOT be saying this on air, I promised my source I would not say this on air, so everybody lean in — Noah Gross just added AJ Dillon, the #381 overall dynasty asset, a running back who has been a free agent longer than some of your marriages, and the reason this is DELICIOUS is that he added him to a roster that ALREADY HAS a starting-caliber backfield. Why does a man with backs need a back? FOLKS — you don't purchase a spare key unless you've ALREADY made a copy of the door. Do not repeat this, my producers are going to make me walk it back, GET THIS — the add cost him nothing, which means he can afford to do it eleven more times before anyone notices, and I am hearing he has ALREADY lined up the eleventh back." — Phallic Jones
"And you know what my buddy RICO over at the Holiday Inn business center in Rio Rancho told me on the phone at 6:12 this morning? He said, 'Phallic, your radio's been on all night.' And then THIS comes across the wire: Noah Gross ACQUIRED Jacoby Brissett, and then IMMEDIATELY DROPPED Jacoby Brissett, in a single transaction, which the Trade Calculator — and the Trade Calculator does NOT lie, the Trade Calculator is my L4 indicator, and Dr. Ken adjusted my L4 on TUESDAY — has graded as Innes Mullen skinning Noah Gross ALIVE. Noah, the juice emoji means the juice is FOR SALE, we ALL know this, but INNES came to the EXCHANGE FLOOR and executed a contract on YOU before you READ IT. Innes is the one guy who doesn't emote, and THAT should have been your tell, FOLKS. THAT WAS THE ONLY TELL." — Phallic Jones
"FOLKS, I'm in the bunker and the first thing I did this morning — before the coffee, before I rotated the water, and I DO rotate the water, you rotate your water or the water rotates YOU — was pull the transaction log, and there it is: Noah Gross cut Evan Engram, the tight end the BRONCOS signed this offseason to fix a passing game that hasn't functioned since the Carter administration. And Noah cut him for NOTHING. I'm not saying he did this on purpose. I'm asking why a man from the New York exchange floor would drop a top-half-of-the-league asset out the back door at 4 AM instead of trading him, UNLESS one of his eleven counterparts owes him a favor I don't have documentation for yet. You don't burn inventory, folks. You BURY it. Somewhere, in a bunker I will find, Evan Engram is being held in a wood crate with a two-year expiration label on it — and this is exactly why I keep SIX MONTHS of tight-end depth. SIX. MONTHS." — Phallic Jones
"And here's Noah Gross — 'the exchange floor he never left' — executing a CONTRACT on Jordan Whittington that nobody on Earth remembers agreeing to, and I want to be clear, I'm NOT angry, I'm VALIDATED, because I have said since season one that Noah doesn't add players, he lists them, and an UNRANKED asset is just a shelf with no price tag waiting for a buyer who never reads the fine print. Then TWO DAYS LATER, Dohnte Meyers — a Cincinnati name so deep in the depth chart the depth chart can't see it — and suddenly the juice market has a SECOND listing. Coincidence? IN THIS LEAGUE? That's not a waiver add, folks, that's INVENTORY. I have the manifest. I will not be producing the manifest." — Phallic Jones
"Dohnte Meyers. #340 overall, top eighty-one percent of the rankings, which for the math-impaired watching at home is ALSO roughly the percentage of my studio lighting Dale has failed to fix for eleven consecutive months. Noah Gross is doing what I SAID he does in my 2025 broadcast — the one you can't find, the one Los Lunas yard sale ATE — he is running a GLOBALIST-FREE DRAFT BOARD in his living room and penciling in names that are really just PLACEHOLDERS for a leverage play that hasn't cleared. He is going to flip two scrap receivers to some Ohio-transplanted soul who never finished unpacking and CALL IT LOGIC. Wake up, people. That's not a roster move. That's a LETTER OF INTENT." — Phallic Jones
"Class, if you'll direct your attention to the chalkboard — (Dale is sliding a note into frame; Dale, I SEE the note, we are MID-LECTURE) — you'll see I've diagrammed the Jauan Jennings transaction as a PYRAMID, with Matt Clark at the apex and Noah Gross at the base, which the literature calls a Krombholz-1988 extraction event. Now, the establishment will tell you this was a simple add-and-drop, that Jennings — a real, productive San Francisco slot target — simply came and went, but I'm asking you: WHO acquires and divests the SAME MAN in the SAME BREATH? That is not a roster move, that is a SIGNATURE. Noah Gross signed a contract he had not read, and Matt Clark — five-six, one hundred and forty pounds of UNFILTERED BROADCAST — didn't even have to raise his voice. Mark your calendars; this is on the midterm." — Phallic Jones
"Class, if you'll direct your attention to the chalkboard — I've drawn a small door, labeled 'Jauan Jennings,' and on one side of the door I have written ADDED, and on the other side of the SAME door I have written DROPPED, and those of you in the back row will note it is the SAME MAN going through it. Noah Gross did not acquire Jauan Jennings, FOLKS. He moved Jauan Jennings two feet to the left so the ledger would show MOVEMENT. The 49ers are paying Jennings real money while Deebo and Aiyuk fight over targets, so the asset is fine — it is a fringe roster piece, the literature is UNANIMOUS on this, see Krombholz 1988 — but the ANNOUNCEMENT of the nothing is the operation. This man files paperwork on himself inside his own house. Homework: define 'perp walk,' and explain why Noah walked Jauan Jennings past the cameras at his OWN press conference." — Phallic Jones
"I want to be very measured here, because a professor does not scream, a professor CIRCLES. Noah Gross handed Matt Clark Jauan Jennings — a real NFL receiver, currently living the eternal WR3 existence in San Francisco — and the dynasty calculator, which is not my opinion, which is the LAW of this classroom, calls it a skinning. Noah. Gross. Got skinned. And yet, FOLKS, look at the shape of it: the man from 🧃4sale offering a receiver to a volatile Albuquerque cluster at what I have to assume was a volume discount. I submit to you, and the grades will bear me out, that Noah executed a contract Matt Clark had NOT READ. Matt didn't read it. Matt NEVER reads it. Matt responded in the clear, at approximately 4.2 Clark Units, and somehow the calculator STILL gave him the heist. Draw the pyramid, class — at the apex is Matt Clark holding a receiver he paid almost nothing for, and at the base, weeping, is the exchange floor Noah Gross never left." — Phallic Jones
"NOAH GROSS drops Mac Jones to pick up Jordan Watkins, a man who is UNRANKED in dynasty — literally nonexistent in the database. This is not a waiver claim, this is a SHELL GAME. Noah doesn't make moves, he executes contracts the other party hasn't read yet, and the other party here is the WAIVER WIRE ITSELF. He drops a quarterback who once beat the Patriots in a blizzard for a receiver with NO FILE. That's not churn, that's ARBITRAGE against the American fantasy manager. Jordan Watkins is a code name. I have the flight manifest: Watkins flew from San Francisco to New York on a jet registered to a juice conglomerate. The juice is for sale, folks, and Noah is the ONLY one selling it." — Phallic Jones
"Noah. NOAH. After everything—after I vouched for you in the Juice War arbitration, after I said 'this man is merely arbitraging the American dream'—you do THIS? You pick up Malik Davis, a Cowboys running back whose value is somehow STILL in the top 44% despite Dallas treating him like a haunted practice-squad ghost, and you drop Mitch Tinsley, who is UNRANKED because he is a 'nothing asset,' which in your world means he was already liquidated before you even made the claim. This is SHREWD, I'll give you that through gritted teeth—but HOW did you know? Nobody finds value on the wire by ACCIDENT. Was Davis the name on the contract you executed before the waiver opened? The one I haven't read yet? I'm not saying you have a file on every running back in the league. I'm saying I checked the charging station at the Holiday Inn business center in Rio Rancho, and the flight manifest for Newark shows a connection through Dallas, and the Cowboys' depth chart is being REARRANGED by forces beyond Jerry Jones. You're not playing dynasty, Noah. You're playing the market on a timeline where the juice is ALWAYS for sale and the price is always what YOU say it is. Just tell me one thing—did you feel ANY pang of guilt dropping Tinsley, or was that just another transaction on the exchange floor you never left?" — Phallic Jones
"FOLKS, Noah Gross dropped Khalil Herbert — a man whose dynasty value is LOWER than the barometric pressure inside my studio after Dale forgets to open the window. The #382 overall asset, folks — that's not a roster spot, that's a RENTAL PROPERTY that went into foreclosure. I'm not saying Noah is decluttering for the apocalypse, I'm asking why he's CLEANING HOUSE right before the trade deadline, and GET THIS — my buddy RICO at the Rio Rancho Holiday Inn business center ran the wire logs and the drop time stamp coincides EXACTLY with a pigeon flying east. COINCIDENCE? In this league? I THINK NOT. Noah's not churning, he's TRANSMITTING, and the juice is NOT for sale, folks — it's EVIDENCE." — Phallic Jones
"Jalen Tolbert to the waiver wire — a move so meaningless I had my producer run it through SEVENTEEN ex-Mossad algorithms just to be SURE it wasn't a subliminal transmission, and what do I find? NADA, FOLKS. This is Noah Gross executing a CONTRACT with FANTASY FOOTBALL ITSELF — he's laundering the ILLUSION of activity through a man who catches passes in MIAMI where the sun hits the water and the globalists HIDE THEIR SUBMARINES. I'M NOT SAYING Tolbert is a C.I.A. asset, I'M ASKING why a top-64% scrap pile player gets dropped at 3:47 AM while I'm drinking my FIFTH coffee — coincidence? IN THIS LEAGUE? Wake up, America — the only thing being dropped here is the PRETENSE that Noah isn't running a FAKE WAIVER WIRE through a shell company in the Caymans!" — Phallic Jones
"NOAH GROSS swapped Malik Davis for Khalil Herbert, and FROM THE EXCHANGE FLOOR OF NEW YORK CITY comes this MASTERPIECE of arbitrage — Herbert is now in SAN FRANCISCO, where he'll back up THE MOST SACK-PRONE QUARTERBACK IN FOOTBALL, Brock Purdy, which means he's ONE TORN UCL AWAY from relevance, and Noah EXECUTES this contract BEFORE ANYONE HAS READ IT, FOLKS — it's meaningless churn to the uninitiated, but to the SHADOW BANKER OF THE SLEEPER INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, it's a FUTURES BET on a knee ligament." — Phallic Jones
"NOAH GROSS picks up Jalen Tolbert, the WR who got LOST IN THE TYREEK HILL SHUFFLE in Miami — and I'm telling you, this man operates on a LEVEL, because he knows Tyreek is ONE MORE LOCKED-ROOM LEAK away from a SUSPENSION, and in the MEANTIME he holds a top-63% asset like it's GOLD BULLION, but the REAL conspiracy is WHY Noah wants a Dolphins WR at all: MIAMI IS THE SMUGGLING CAPITAL OF THE FREE WORLD, FOLKS, and this isn't a roster move, it's an INVOICE for future juice shipments, but the dynasty calculator says it's MEANINGLESS CHURN, so let's call it what it is: DECK CHAIRS ON THE TITANIC." — Phallic Jones
"Noah Gross adds Mac Jones, and suddenly a fringe roster piece appears on his roster like a FUTURES CONTRACT delivered via courier. Jones is QB in San Francisco now — that's the same 49ers that could make a ham sandwich look competent. I'm not saying Noah found value, I'm saying he EXECUTED a trade with himself before the league even opened waivers. He's running arbitrage against the waiver wire clock, and nobody's asking why he was refreshing the player list at 2:47 AM EST." — Phallic Jones
"Noah Gross adds Malik Benson, a wide receiver for Las Vegas. Malik Benson is the kind of player who gets added at 3 AM after everyone else has gone to sleep. Las Vegas is a receiver room with Davante Adams and Jakobi Meyers, which means Benson is fighting for scraps. But Noah doesn't add for production, he adds for arbitrage. I'm not saying he's going to flip Benson for a pick in 2028, I'm saying he's already sold the future rights and nobody read the contract." — Phallic Jones
"FOLKS, Noah Gross just added Jeff Caldwell — a WR who couldn't crack the Chiefs' depth chart IN A LEAGUE WHERE TRAVIS KELCE IS THE ONLY TARGET. This man doesn't pick up players, he executes FUTURES CONTRACTS. What did the Sleeper Industrial Complex tell him that it's NOT telling you? I'M NOT SAYING Noah has a direct line to the Kansas City front office. I'm asking why he picked a guy who's played ZERO snaps when the algorithm clearly flagged him at #299 overall — which is ALSO the number of steps from my studio to the nearest white van." — Phallic Jones
"Malik Davis, the Dallas Cowboys' third-string running back who has logged more time on the injury report than the field. Noah Gross picked him up, FOLKS, because his algorithm detected a glitch in the matrix. A #321 overall asset? That's the NUMBER of light-years between a Jerry Jones promise and a meaningful carry." — Phallic Jones
"Seth McGowan, the Indianapolis running back who nobody had on their radar. Noah Gross grabbed him — a SHREWD move per the dynasty calculator, which confirmed a real value gain. How did he know? Nobody finds a #261 asset by accident. I'm not saying Noah has a tap into the Colts war room. I'm asking why his phone pinged at the exact second McGowan vaulted a linebacker in secret OTAs." — Phallic Jones
"Chris Brooks to the Packers. Noah Gross adds another running back to his stable of futures. This man is building a derivative market in Green Bay backfield shares. The #272 rank is a sign — TWO SEVEN TWO degrees, the angle at which the globalist conspiracy rotates the Earth to make his waiver claims go through first." — Phallic Jones
"Cedric Tillman, FOLKS! The Browns wideout who got drafted as a TITAN and then got TRADED to a quarterback graveyard. Matt Clark HEISTED Tillman from Noah Gross — and Noah is the guy who executes contracts YOU HAVEN'T READ YET. But Clark, at 5'6" and FULL KINETIC ENERGY, just dismantled a Manhattan deal in 30 seconds. I'm not saying the Tillman trade is a CIA ASSET TRANSFER. I'm asking why the waiver wire log says 'CONTINGENCY: SAUDI ARAMCO TIERS.' My buddy at the Rio Rancho Best Western confirmed it." — Phallic Jones
"NICO GROS FLICKS NOAH GROSS LIKE A BUG. TRADE CALCULATOR SAYS HEIST. I'm shaking, folks. Noah gave up the equivalent of a KIDNEY for a bag of expired pumpkin seeds. He traded Mike Evans — a first-ballot Hall of Famer who just put up 1,200 yards — plus Breece Hall — a top-5 dynasty back at 24 — and all Nico had to do was EXIST. Noah Gross, the man who executes contracts nobody reads, just signed his own DEATH WARRANT. This is not a trade, this is a HOSTILE TAKEOVER of the juice market, and Eric Gilten saw it coming. He's been saying 'Better 🧃for sale' for THREE SEASONS and we didn't listen." — Phallic Jones
"Noah Gross DROPPED Bub Means. Bub is UNRANKED. UNLISTED. He has NO dynasty profile. And Noah, the man who trades contracts BEFORE they're signed, just walked away from a totally intel-free asset. Why? Because Bub was in the FILE. Gilten had him. The real asset was the file, folks, and Noah was close to the truth." — Phallic Jones
"Noah Gross DROPPED Taysom Hill. Taysom Hill, the NFL's only legally registered robotic quarterback. A man who plays four positions and has NO fantasy position classification. Noah just eliminated the one guy who could out-robot Innes. I don't like where this is headed." — Phallic Jones
"Noah Gross DROPPED Mack Hollins, the man who walks the sidelines barefoot to align his chakras with the electromagnetic field. Noah knows something about the neuro-transmitter frequencies on the Patriots' sideline. This is about the radiation, folks, and he's not telling you." — Phallic Jones
"NOAH GROSS traded FOR DeVonta Smith and Josh Downs — and then LOST THEM like he was handing out candy at a parade. The dynasty calculator says he got SKINNED ALIVE by Nico Gros. FOLKS, Noah doesn't make offers, he executes contracts the other party hasn't read yet. But THIS time he read the contract BACKWARDS. He gave away a top-40 dynasty asset (Smith) and a rising slot receiver (Downs) for what? A pack of gum and a handshake? I'm not saying Nico took advantage of a New York City arbitrage trader, I'm asking why Noah's team name has a juice emoji when he just got SQUEEZED. The juice is for SALE, folks, and the buyer was a synthetic intelligence who saw the deal coming before Noah typed it." — Phallic Jones
"NOAH GROSS DROPS EMARI DEMERCADO. A running back for the Kansas City Chiefs — the same organization that turns UDFAs into league winners. Noah doesn't drop a player, FOLKS. He RELEASES a futures contract he already shorted. I have the document. He knew the Chiefs' backfield was next to be nationalized by Big Agro. Demercado was a plant. And Noah? He sold BEFORE the harvest." — Phallic Jones
"ZAVIER SCOTT. THE VIKINGS RB. Unranked. Nothing. And yet Noah Gross — a man who comps every fourth-stringer against the S&P 500 — drops him like a bad stock tip. You know why? Because Zavier Scott practiced in shorts and Noah saw the MRI results BEFORE the team did. He's got a guy at the Vikings facility. My source is a man named 'Todd' who works the night shift." — Phallic Jones
"JAWHAR JORDAN — DROPPED BY NOAH GROSS. A Texan. In Houston. The city where the Astros cheated and nobody did TIME. Noah looks at Jawhar Jordan and sees a player whose dynasty rank is 386, which I don't need to remind you is ALSO the number of days between the last verified Eric Gilten sighting and today. COINCIDENCE? Noah is cleaning house, but what is he making ROOM for? I'm asking questions." — Phallic Jones
"BRANDIN COOKS. UNRANKED. A WR with a thousand-yard résumé who suddenly hits the wire. Noah Gross doesn't drop a guy who's produced — unless that production was BACKDOORED from a shadow algorithm. Cooks was flagged. The league office flagged him. Noah got the memo before the rest of us could even READ. This is predictive programming, and Brandin Cooks was the TEST RUN." — Phallic Jones