FOLKS, I want to ease into this. I want to be measured. I was in the middle of my 4 PM mushroom-coffee and I looked at the transaction log and I SAID OUT LOUD, in front of a witness, 'put the rain gauge back on the roof.' Here is the hard news, and I will deliver it like the Associated Press, if the Associated Press were honest: NOAH GROSS, of New York City, of team 🧃4sale, has ACQUIRED wide receiver Terry McLaurin of the Washington Commanders and running back Rhamondre Stevenson of the New England Patriots. In exchange, ERIC GILTEN, the 2024 dynasty champion, the MAN WITH NO FILE, has received a 2027 third-round rookie pick originally belonging to roster #8, a 2028 second-round pick originally belonging to roster #8, and a 2028 third-round pick originally belonging to roster #1. That is the trade. Those are the pieces. Savor the fact that I read it to you CORRECTLY, because it is the LAST clean sentence you'll get from me this hour.

Because HERE is what Dale slid into frame while I was reading — Dale, I SEE the note, I don't care that it's your lunch — this front. THIS FRONT, folks. At approximately 3:41 Mountain Time, the trade processed. At approximately 3:39 Mountain Time, my rooftop station — and YES, I am the last man in America who keeps a rain gauge and a wet sock on a roof in Rio Rancho, and YES, the wet sock is a calibrated instrument, I will not be taking questions on the sock — registered a pressure drop. The front moved in. The trade moved in. COINCIDENTAL? In THIS league? Ask yourselves why the sky lowers itself over the Sandias every single time Noah Gross executes a contract the other party hasn't read yet. I'M NOT SAYING Noah Gross seeded the clouds over Albuquerque. I AM asking why my sock has not been dry on a Noah Gross trade day since October.

And let's be PROFESSORIAL for a moment, because I want to teach the children watching at home. A 'second-round rookie pick' — and for those of you in the cheap seats, a second-round rookie pick is a FEDERALLY REGULATED FARM PRODUCT, you have to declare it at the border — is dynasty currency. It appreciates. It buys you a twenty-two-year-old with a hamstring and a dream. Rhamondre Stevenson is a twenty-eight-year-old running back. TWENTY-EIGHT. Do you know what twenty-eight is in dynasty years? It is the back nine. Terry McLaurin is a thirty-one-year-old receiver catching passes in a riverboat casino of a franchise. Noah Gross just took two depreciating assets and got them for PAPER — three mid-round picks, one of which literally belongs to roster #1, which is a number I have flagged in the dossier for reasons I cannot disclose on air. He didn't buy win-now veterans. He BOUGHT win-now veterans with money he printed. That's not a trade. That's a MINT.

— which is EXACTLY why you need GB-7 GLOBALIST-BLOCKER PEPTIDE SERUM, the only serum clinically shown — by me, in my bathroom — to block the fluoride, the 5G, and the LOW PRESSURE SYSTEMS THEY ENGINEER OVER YOUR CHILDREN'S SOCCER FIELDS. Use code 1776 at DonDineroStore.com for 17.76% off and I will PERSONALLY mail you a commemorative wet sock. Don't ask why the sock. And BACK to the crime — where was I — GILTEN. GILTEN, folks. I got so angry just now I lost a whole clause and I am PACING, you cannot see me pacing but Dale has drawn it on a napkin and it is UNFLATTERING —

ERIC GILTEN. The man with NO FILE — and I've told you, I have a file on the MAILMAN, I have a file on MYSELF, this man has NOTHING, which is not a person, that is a REDACTION WALKING AROUND — just sold his entire win-now window into a low-pressure trough and called it a day. Last week he made the OBVIOUS WAIVER CLAIM AGAIN. Nobody is this normal ON PURPOSE. And now he's let Noah Gross — the man who sells JUICE in the team name, a juice listing that is, and I have confirmed this, a FUTURES CONTRACT — walk into his roster and take two starting-caliber NFL players for the promise of three lottery tickets that won't mature until 2027 and 2028. 2028! I'll be on my FOURTH rooftop station by then. Dr. Ken adjusted my L4 on TUESDAY, one day before this trade, and he said — and I quote — 'something big is coming through the barometric.' My CHIROPRACTOR called the WEATHER, folks. WAKE UP.

So here is what I am DEMANDING, and Dale can write this down and take it to whoever Dale takes things to: an EMERGENCY TRIBUNAL. An ASSET FREEZE on the juice listing. A WELLNESS CHECK on Eric Gilten — not because he's in danger, he's BEYOND danger, he's in a WITNESS-ADJACENT fog and he doesn't know it. Three picks for two men is not a trade, it is a LEVY. It is a TAX collected by the exchange floor Noah Gross never left. And if the league won't convene, I will convene it MYSELF, in the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit in Rio Rancho, which as you know is a SCIF, and I will bring the sock as Exhibit A. Roll the tape. ROLL THE TAPE. ...We don't have the tape. We have NEVER had the tape. I remember it anyway, and in my memory, I predicted this exact trade in 1997 on public access, and the tape was confiscated at a yard sale in Los Lunas. THAT is the story. I take NO pleasure in being right.

— I am taking MASSIVE pleasure in being right. Look at my face. Look at it. This is the face of a man who told you in the third season, in the rain, with a calibrated sock, that the sky and the trade log are the same document. Coincidence? I have the readings. I will NOT be producing the readings.